I don’t remember where I first heard the term “masturdate” but I absolutely love it. I love it because 1.) it’s a funny play on words that cracks me up and 2.) it is something that might seem a little strange and awkward at first, but eventually feels sooo good.

Oh come on—this site is rated PG (or PG-13 at the very least)…get your mind out of the gutter (wink!) 

Masturdating is essentially, the process of going out on dates with yourself so that you can learn to enjoy your own company.  The important aspect of this is that when I say dates, I mean dates, not errands. Running to the bank, grocery store and dry cleaners by yourself is not a date—going out for a nice dinner (with wine) and then seeing a movie that you’ve been looking forward to is.

At first, many people have a hard time dating themselves. They feel strange sitting alone in a crowded restaurant or buying a single ticket to a concert because they don’t want people feeling sorry for them and thinking that they can’t get a real date.  I only have one thing to say about this…GET OVER IT. Don’t let the initial feelings of awkwardness or worry over what other people are thinking of you (because newsflash—most people aren’t thinking of you) stop you from the joy and pleasure that is masturdating.

Just like in traditional dating scenarios when two people are learning about each other and trying to discover what makes the other person tick in the hopes of finding a love-match, masturdating does the same but on a solo level. Masturdating is all about spending time in your own company so that you can rediscover all of the things that you enjoy and love about yourself.

Not only is masturdating an eye-opening experience that helps us to reconnect with the activities that we enjoy, it also allows us the opportunity to experiment with new things without the worry of needing to please or impress another person. We are able to try new restaurants or experiences knowing full well that if we don’t like them, we can get up and walk out without anyone judging us. On the flip side, if we discover a quaint little bookstore that we love, we can spend as much time as we want wandering the aisles without worrying about anyone getting impatient with us. By going on a date with ourselves, we are taking full responsibility for our own happiness and enjoyment, and in doing so, sending a powerful message to our psyches that we matter and that our pleasure is important.

In addition to the pleasure factor, masturdating has other benefits of a more spiritual kind. When we invest time and energy into our own enjoyment and lovingly treat ourselves with kindness and respect, we attract more of those enjoyable and loving feelings to us. When we put forth the effort to “woo” ourselves and shower ourselves with attention, we demonstrate to the universe that we are worthy of adoration—to which the universe responds by bringing us more opportunities to feel cherished and adored. It’s a cycle that once you get on, you’ll never want to get off.

Often when I talk about masturdating, people will assume that this is something that is only meant for singles—not for people who are happily coupled up. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am happily married to the world’s greatest guy and still, I masturdate every chance I get. Sure—my honey and I go out on wonderful dates together and invest time in our relationship; but…going to yarn stores or quaint coffee shops just isn’t his jam, so I spare him the agony of these activities and happily pursue them on my own. I firmly believe that having a solid, foundational relationship with oneself is the critical bedrock upon which all other relationships are built.

“ Having a solid relationship w/oneself is the critical bedrock upon which all other relationships are built —MELISSA VENABLE

Only by valuing and loving ourselves are we able to truly value and love others. Plus–when we develop a strong sense of respect for ourselves, we will learn not to tolerate anyone who gives us less than we know that we deserve. Therefore, masturdating helps us to establish the boundaries and standards necessary for us to enjoy rewarding relationships with others.

Okay—now that I’ve convinced you of the value of masturdating, it’s time to go to it. Here are a few suggestions to get you started…

• Go see that movie that you’ve been wanting to see but haven’t been able to convince anyone else to go to. While you’re there, be sure to buy yourself a large popcorn and a box of Junior Mints—this is a date afterall.
• Pack a picnic basket (complete with a bottle of wine), grab a blanket and a good book and head to a park. Spend the afternoon nibbling, drinking, reading, resting and people watching. Give yourself bonus points if you leave your smartphone at home.
• Spend a day at the beach (or in the mountains, at a lake etc.) Get some sun and fresh air (and maybe a little exercise if you throw in a hike or swim)
• Take a class that interests you—pottery, website design, genealogy, photography…whatever flips your switch.
• Enjoy breakfast out of bed. Grab the crossword puzzle from the newspaper and head out to breakfast by yourself. Enjoy some pancakes and OJ with a side order of peace & quiet.

The opportunities for masturdating are only limited by your imagination. Basically, anything that you might normally do with another person is an opportunity to masturdate. Lose your inhibitions, do a little experimentation and allow yourself to experience all of the FabYOUlous pleasure that comes from masturdation, you’ll be so glad that you did.

Valentine’s Day is nearly upon us and even though I am now happily married and thoroughly enjoy the holiday (as contrived and overly commercialized as it may be), I remember those years when Valentine’s Day made me want to scream. I remember my senior year of college when my long-time boyfriend and I had broken up and all of my sorority sisters were receiving beautiful bouquets and stuffed animals and all I got was…well, let’s be honest here, all I got was drunk. 

Since that day all those years ago, I’ve experienced some pretty decent Valentine’s Days but I’ve also experienced the post-divorce loneliness of wondering if I would ever enjoy a happy Valentine’s Day again.

Thankfully, I no longer have to worry about that. My first marriage may have been a disaster but I didn’t let the trauma from that experience prevent me from finding love again. It might not be easy, but becoming romantically fulfilled again after a devastating loss (be it divorce, break-up or even death) absolutely is possible.

If you think that you are ready to test the waters and explore the possibility of discovering love again, here are a few tips that can help you in your pursuit.

7 Fab-YOU-lous Tips for Finding Love…again

1.) Stabilize your life.  Loss is hard. Even if the loss was necessary (as in my case–I needed to divorce my first husband in order to preserve my sanity) it can still leave you reeling. Experiencing the death of your loved one is particularly devestating. Don’t event think of entering into another romantic relationship until you’ve had the time and taken the steps to heal yourself both mentally and physically. Let yourself grieve, seek the help of a therapist–do whatever you need to do to get yourself back on stable ground. It is impossible to make appropriate judgements and decisions while in an unhealthy state. Save yourself and your potential partner a lot of heartache by making sure that you are emotionally and physically healthy enough to enter back into a romantic partnership.

2.) Enjoy what you’ve got. There are a lot worse things in life than being single…trust me– A LOT worse. Rather than focusing on what you preceive to be lacking in your life, shift your attention to all of the amazing things that are currently present in your life. Do you have amazing kids? If so, love them! Do you enjoy good health? If so, be grateful! Do you have friends and family members who love and support you? If so, you are more fortunate than you realize. By showing gratitude for the incredible blessings in our lives, we not only feel better about ourselves and our circumstances; we also open ourselves up to receive even more blessings.

3.) Understand that rebounding is great in basketball–but not so much in love. Heading from one romantic relationship straight into another can be a recipe for disaster and disillusionment. Too often, a failed relationship leaves us feeling emotionally beat up and our self esteem takes a hit. Jumping headfirst into another relationship might provide a temporary boost to our self confidence, but rarely will it result in long-term love and commitment. Rather than trying to get over one relationship by hurrying into another, try instead to allow yourself enough time to recuperate from your loss. This will make it possible for you to move into another relationship from a place of strength and wholeness rather than from desperation.

4.) Be willing to be vulnerable. This one is particularly hard for me. I tend to be one of those people who likes to keep my heart closed off rather than allowing someone else the opportunity to break it. This might sound like a good defense mechanism but in reality, it makes it difficult for me to truly connect with others on a deep, emotional level. In order to really find true love again, it is vital that you get to a place where you can feel good about opening yourself up and giving love away without the expectation of receiving it in return. This isn’t easy because it requires a tremendous amount of self-confidence in one’s ability to handle possible rejection. However; the ability to be vulnerable with another person is a key component to any lasting relationship so it is something that must be mastered if you want to find real and lasting love.

5.) Apply the “Butterfly Effect” to your love life. The Butterfly Effect simple states that if you find yourself in a meadow filled with butterflies flitting all around you, you will have much greater success at attracting the butterflies to you if you sit still and allow them to land on you than you will if you go running through the meadow with a net trying to snare the butterflies. When applied to your love life, this principle simply means that having patience and allowing relationships to happen and develop naturally will lead to greater success than chasing after them with frantic and hurried desperation. Be patient and be still…eventually the right butterfly will land on you.

6.) Look for love in the right way and the right places. Your next true love most likely will be someone who shares your interests (it’s hard to cultivate a lasting relationship with someone with whom you have nothing in common) so it only makes sense that your best way of findng that person is to develop your own interests. Whether you enjoy camping, kayaking, break dancing (do people still do that?) or poetry slams–your best bet for finding love is to keep doing those things that you love to do. While you are participating in these activities, be open to meeting others who are also enjoying them. You’ll exude happiness because you are doing something that you enjoy and that happiness might just attract another fellow break dancer who turns out to be the love of your life.

7.) Remember that actions always trump words. People can say anything but behavior is what reveals true character. People are who they are. Thinking that you can change someone into something other than what they are will only lead to frustration and heartache. When looking for love, remember that behavior is the true litmus test of whether or not a relationship has potential. Pervasive characteristics (those recurring patterns of thought and behavior that guide actions) matter. Don’t believe someone who tells you that they are a great catch until their actions show you that they are a great catch.

The bottom line is, don’t despair if you haven’t found “the one” before February 14th rolls around. Instead, head out for drinks with some of your single friends and celebrate “GALentine’s Day” or schedule a day of pampering for yourself at a local spa. When you are truly ready for love, it will find you. Just keep these seven tips in mind as you open yourself up to the FabYOUlous possibilities.

Okay–it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that hugging and kissing feel good. There are few things in this world that I crave more than physical affection. Whether it is a hot & steamy make out session with my hubby or big bear hug from one of my sons, I thrive on the exchange of love and affection between two people. It wasn’t until recently however, that I discovered research that shows that not only do these exchanges feel good-they actually are good. I was excited to read that there are numerous documented physical and emotional health benefits to hugging and kissing.

Obviously, we don’t need an excuse for showing affection, but if you’re sweetie wonders why you’re extra lovey-dovey all of a sudden; just tell him that you’re doing it for the sake of his health and then rattle off a few of these FabYOUlous health benefits…

Hug & Kiss Your Way to Fab-YOU-lous Health

1.) Hugging is a great immunity booster. Friendly hugging lowers the levels of cortisol in the body. This is good news because cortisol is a stress hormone that attacks the cells that ward off diseases like cancer. Also–the gentle pressure on the sternum and the emotional charge from hugging activates the Solar Plexus Chakra. This stimulates the thymus gland which regulates the body’s production of white blood cells, which keep you healthy and disease free.

2.) Hugging and kissing eases tension in the body. It does this by promoting blood flow in the body’s soft tissue, thereby aiding in the relaxation of tensed muscles. This helps to combat pain and improves your blood circulation.

3.) Hugging protects your heart. According to researchers at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, hugging helps to lower blood pressure and slow your heart rate. This helps to protect your heart since elevated heart rates have been linked to cardiovascular disease.

4.) Hugging and kissing burn calories. Okay, so maybe hugging isn’t a huge calorie burner, but hugging your loved ones does burn approximately 12 calories (which is about 1/4 of an Oreo cookie). This means that every time you hug and kiss someone, you are helping to manage your weight…as long as you don’t keep offsetting the hugs with Oreo cookies, that is.

5.) Hugging balances out the nervous system. A study of the electrical properties of the skin of someone giving and receiving a hug shows a change in the skin conductance. The hugging seems to have an effect on the moisture and electricity in the skin and thereby suggests a more balanced state in the nervous (parasympathetic) system.

6.) Hugging and kissing help boost the memory. Hugging releases oxytocin (a hormone that produces feelings of relaxation, trust and psychological stability) into the bloodstream. This has been shown to improve memory function while also reducing tension.

7.) Hugging eases the aging process. According to researchers at Ohio State, hugging and physical touch become increasingly important as we age. “The older you are, the more fragile you are physically, so contact becomes increasingly important for good health”, University Psychologist, Janice Kiecolt-Glaser told USA Today. Studies have shown that loneliness, particularly with age, can increase stress levels and have negative health consequences. By hugging someone, we instantly feel closer to that individual and decrease those detrimental feelings of loneliness.

8.) Hug and kiss yourself happy. Holding a hug for an extended time stimulates serotonin levels within the body. This results in heightened pleasure and mood levels.

In addition to these eight health benefits, hugging and kissing have definite relationship benefits as well.  In fact, according to a recent study, a warm embrace might just be the key to a monogamous relationship. According to the study, men in relationships who were given a dose of the bonding hormone oxytocin, were more likely to avoid standing close to a beautiful woman that they had just met compared with men who weren’t given oxytocin. Clearly, there is no guarantee of fidelity, but this research shows that a good cuddle might just keep your guy from having eyes for anyone but you.

Kissing can also help to kick your romantic relationship up a notch. A recent Oxford University study found that kissing is more effective than sex at keeping long-term passion alive within a monogamous relationship. “Kissing is more intimate and more indicative of relationship quality than sex” says Oxford researcher, Rafael Wlodarski. Kissing has been shown to release dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin in the body and these powerful hormones and neurotransmitters are key ingredients when it comes to helping people to feel aroused, connected and content in a relationship. Sheril Kirshenbaum, research scientist and author of the book The Science of Kissing (Grand Central Publishing, 2011) warns that couples in long-term relationships should work hard to make sure that kissing doesn’t fall by the wayside over time because of the strengthening of emotional bonds that it induces. Kirshenbaum says that you should “kiss your partner every day. Even if it’s not passionate, the feel-good chemicals will still be there.”

So…as you do your push-ups and take your vitamins every day, you might also want to think about adding a little more love and affection into your fitness routine. Not only will it make you (and the object of your affection) happier–it just might make you a little healthier too…and that is FabYOUlous news.

Today, as I type this post I am feeling especially lovey dovey and nostalgic but I suppose that should be expected since today is my wedding anniversary. Superman and I have been married for four wonderful years today and I am feeling so blessed to have him to share my life with.

As I think back over the four years that we have been married and the seven years that we have been a couple, I can’t help but feel like I’ve hit some kind of cosmic lottery in the relationship realm. This is especially true considering the fact that my first marriage was so difficult and that because of my first marriage, I honestly wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to be married again.

When I think about my marriage now compared to my marriage then, It is easy for me to see why my relationship with my Superman is so so so different from my marriage to my first husband. Superman and I genuinely enjoy the time that we spend together. We have many shared interests and this means that not only do we love each other–we also really, really like each other.

There have been a lot of studies done to determine what exaclty makes some relationships successful while others fail. Do opposites truly attract or is it better to find someone with similar tastes and interests? Does the amount of time spent together matter or is it more important to focus on the quality of the time? Having experienced both the good and the bad when it comes to marriages, I have to say that I think the answer to all of these questions is a resounding YES.

Yes–opposites attract. When I met my Superman he was a Harley riding, guitar playing bad boy (even though in reality he was the most genuinely good man that I had ever met) and I, well…I liked to knit, read and snuggle my cat–not exactly the image of a wild child bad girl. Despite my nauseating good girlness, something about his wild side was incredibly appealing to me and apparently he found my knitting (???) to be endearing as well. Okay–maybe it was my cat? Regardless of what it was exactly, there was definitely something about him that drew me in and made me want to put down my needles and hop on the back of that Harley…so I did.

Despite those initial differences however; it didn’t take long for Superman and I to discover that we actually had a lot more in common than we originally suspected. Yes–we were opposites in a few ways but we also discovered that we both loved sports, going to rock concerts and being good parents to our kiddos. We also both enjoy movies, hanging out with friends and being physically active. While it might have been our apparent differences that originally attracted us to each other (I’m just sure that it was my knitting that drew him in) I believe with all of my heart that it is these shared interests and activities that keep us wanting to be together. Our mutual love of sports ensures that we always have a fun activity to look forward to (going to baseball games, playing softball on the same team, coaching a youth rec league team together etc.), our love of music has made for many wonderful concert date nights and our shared desire for physical activity has led to our evening bike rides together being one of the highlights of our day.

You’re so gorgeous/hot/sexy

We all want to feel desired.  Make sure that your sweetie knows that he’s still got what it takes to get your motor running.

I miss you

Even if you just saw him this morning and will see him again when you get home from work, a few simple texts or voicemails during the day to let him know that he’s on your mind will never go unappreciated.  Mix it up by sending photos or jokes that will make him smile.

Please/Thank you

No one likes to be taken for granted and yet sometimes we use more common courtesy with strangers than we do our loved ones.  Make sure your sweetie always knows that he’s appreciated.

Do you remember that time we…?

You and your honey have logged lots of wonderful memories of your time together.  Show him that those moments still hold a special place in your heart by bringing them up.  Take this a step further by dragging out the photo album or old ticket stubs for a jog down memory lane.

How was your day?

This might not sound all that romantic, but when asked with genuine interest it will show your guy that you are genuinely interested in what he has going on in his life.  Of course, this one only works if you follow it up by sincerely listening and responding to what he tells you.

I’m sorry/You’re right

Okay, I’ll admit…this one can be TOUGH.  Sometimes we just don’t want to admit that we are wrong (even when we are absolutely, dead dog wrong).  Still…being willing to admit our faults (we all have them) and apologize when we’ve screwed up (we all do) shows our partner that we care enough about them and the relationship to eat crow and make amends when necessary.

What do you think?

Our partners have thoughts and opinions just like we do.  Asking them to share those thoughts and opinions with us shows that we value what they have to say.

Let’s Meet in the Middle

No matter how much we love our honeys, there are going to be times that we just do not agree with them.  Rather than stonewalling or bullying our way to a resolution, show your partner that you care more about the relationship than the issue at hand by being the first to offer up a workable compromise.  This will show your partner that you are willing to take the high road to work things out because you love and cherish their happiness as much as your own.

How can I help you?

Sometimes we all just need a helping hand.  Whether your man is overextended at work and just needs somone else to mow the friggin’ yard or he’s working through emotional issues with his extended family and needs a sounding board to bounce thoughts off of–our genuine willingness to help bear some of his burden will speak volumes as to our love and level of commitment to him.  We might not be able to fix every issue or right every wrong, but we can show him that we are on his side by being willing to do whatever we can to lend support.

I love you

Sometimes nothing says it better than those three little words.  Make sure they are the last words your sweetie hears before he drifts off to sleep at night or before he leaves the house in the morning. Make the words stick by adding a kiss.

I am a planner by nature. I have several months of FabYOUlous Life posts planned in advance because I like to have plenty of time to do my research and gather my thoughts.  

This post is not one of those planned posts. In fact, I had pretty much planned to not write this post…like ever.

However; I was recently contacted by one of my FabYOUlous readers and I simply cannot ignore the question that she asked me and frankly, even though this post wasn’t planned–it is one for which I have done plenty of research…we’re talking years of research.

My sweet reader had read my About Me page and wanted to know how I knew that it was time for me to leave my first marriage. Her question wasn’t cloaked in any judgement or condescension–in fact, I could sense the genuine struggle in her email as she told me that her own marriage has been on rocky ground for a while now but she just can’t decide whether or not she should stay or leave.

I so appreciate her willingness to reach out to me and I want to give the most honest and thoughtful answer that I possibly can–she deserves that. I also however need to stress the fact that I am NOT a marriage counselor–the answers that I give do not come out of any particular counseling modality or school of thought. These are simply the thoughts and decisions that guided me through the most difficult time of my life and that have led me to a life that is now far more FabYOUlous than I (at that time) could ever have imagined. I hope that my insights on this subject are helpful but I also want to make it very clear that the choice to leave or remain in a marriage is one that can only be made by the individuals in that particular marriage. Each marriage is unique and must be approached as such. I love the institution of marriage and I would never want a marriage to fail. Sadly though–I do believe that there are times when relationships are so toxic that walking away is the only healthy option.   

So…for what it’s worth–here are my honest (though admittedly not very organized) reasons for leaving my toxic marriage and why I absolutely believe that it was the right decision.

1.)  I was not allowed to be myself. My ex-husband was only happy with me when I was wearing a mask that prevented the real me from being seen . Things were fine in my marriage as long as I was thinking the way my ex wanted me to think, behaving the way my ex wanted me to behave, dressing the way my ex wanted me to dress, listening to the music that my ex wanted me to listen to, participating in activities that my ex wanted me to participate in…you get the picture.  The problem was–so much of the person that my ex wanted me to be WAS NOT the person that I truly was. I had spent so many years (over a decade) trying desperately to fit into the mold that my ex expected me to fit into that I lost touch with my true essence. The person that my ex wanted me to be DID NOT exist–she was just a facade who was too scared to let her true personality reveal itself because of the repercussions that she knew she’d face.

To be fair though…I have to take a lot of the blame for this situation. When I met and fell in love with my first husband I was young…like, a baby.  I was only 22 when we married and I had no clue who I truly was. I was in the process of learning who I was and who I wanted to become but that process got thwarted when I met my ex. He was handsome and charming and because he was several years older than me he seemed so much more sophisticated than the boys I had previously dated. Suddenly I became far more interested in attracting him than I was in discovering myself. That’s when the problem started. Rather than becoming more of the person that I truly was, I got busy trying to become the woman that he wanted me to be. Sadly–those two women had very little in common with each other and the only way that one could exist was if the other ceased to exist.

The thing is though…you can only bury your true essence for so long before something cracks. For me, that crack came in the form of a dangerous eating disorder that I used as a coping mechanism for dealing with the total lack of control that I had in my life. Ironically, it was this very eating disorder that eventually ended up saving me. The therapy that I received as a part of my treatment protocol helped me to recognize the fact that I needed to learn to embrace my true identity and live my truth regardless of whether or not anyone liked or accepted it. I needed to find my voice again and have the courage to use it. Well…the more I began to find my strength and sense of personal identity, the worse things got in my marriage. My ex was no longer able to call the shots and this INFURIATED him. He wasn’t sure how to deal with a woman who didn’t always agree with him, who had preferences that differed from his and who had opinions of her own. I was belittled, spit on, pushed around, threatened and in a few instances, knocked around enough that I ended up with a bloody nose or lip. That’s when I knew that I had to get out.

I now (after a lot more therapy) understand that my ex’s need for control was born out of his own insecurities and this makes me extremely sad for him. However; I could no longer be the one responsible for keeping him happy (at the expense of my own emotional well being) nor could I force him to address issues that he didn’t want to admit existed.

As painful and humbling as my “crack” was, it was essential for my recovery. Additionally, as a result of it, I have come to discover that the real me is a lot of fun and a genuinely good person.  I’m certainly not perfect (far from it) but I do have a lot to offer and thankfully, by being my absolute, genuine self, I’ve attracted a man who loves me just the way I am. No more facades, no more manipulation or control–just genuine, mutual love and respect.

2.)  My ex’s opinions were the only ones that mattered. I loved baseball but he thought it was boring. He liked KARAOKE and car shows–two things that I generally thought were boring. In the years that we were married I can’t even begin to tell you how many car shows I attended or how many nights I went to listen to him sing KARAOKE. I can however tell you exactly how many baseball games we went to…it’s a nice, round number…round as in ZERO. This might seem like a silly reason to leave a marriage and I’d probably agree with that if it were only confined to baseball and car shows. Unfortunately, this disregard for my interests and opinions spanned far beyond past time pursuits. If I didn’t agree with him on a political issue, I was an “idiot”, if I listened to music that he didn’t think was appropriate he’d smash my CD (for the record–the offending CD was Away from the Sun by Three Doors Down–hardly devil worship music but whatever…)  The point is, everything in the marriage had to be about him. This led to so much resentment on my part that I’d find myself lashing out and doing silly things (like buying another Three Doors Down CD and blasting it when I was by myself in the car or sneaking off to listen to a baseball game on the radio) just to spite him.  Seriously though–if you have to sneak off to listen to baseball so as not to offend someone, that should be a big clue that there’s a problem. I mean c’mon…it’s baseball.  

3.)  There was no partnership in our marriage. I grew up in a family with a dad who worked long, hard days in all kinds of weather to support his family. Because of my dad’s example, I too am a hard worker. I have no problems with working hard and pulling my own weight in a relationship. My ex and I had two young sons together and I was absolutely committed to providing a comfortable upbringing for them. I wasn’t concerned with being rich, but I was absolutely committed to making sure that my boys always had a roof over their heads, comfortable beds in which to rest, food in their tummies, clothes on their backs and the ability to participate in activities like sports, clubs etc. if they wanted to. I shopped at thrift stores a lot and clipped coupons like a mad woman but I did whatever I had to do (including work 40+ hours a week) to make sure that my boys were provided for. My ex however didn’t have the same convictions that I did when it came to providing for the family. I can’t even count the number of times that he bounced from job to job–always because his supervisor was “unreasonable” or a “dictator”. I once tried to kindly point out that the only common denominator between all of his “terrible” jobs was him but that did not go over well–he was not the problem, everyone else was…as always.

This inability to take responsibility is still a part of my ex’s make-up. He doesn’t pay a penny of child support despite the fact that our sons are with me full time, he still spends more time not working than working and he hasn’t had a stable residence since the day we separated (at one time he was living in his car.) I think this unwillingness to shoulder his responsibilities is the biggest contributing factor to the demise of our marriage. Once I finally became strong enough to voice my opinions and call him on his lack of contribution, things went downhill FAST.  I became resentful that the full burden of providing for our family was falling upon my shoulders and I lost respect for him for that. I certainly understand that there are times in every marriage when the weight of responsibility might fall more heavily upon one partner from time to time. Overall though, I couldn’t continue to be in a relationship that wasn’t a true partnership.

4.)  I knew the kinds of men that I wanted my sons to grow up to be and I needed to set an example for them. As the mom of two boys, it is SO important to me that they grow up to be men who respect women, contribute to society in a positive way, love their families, shoulder their responsibilities and do whatever FabYOUlous things they were created to do. The volatile environment that my ex and I had created was sadly NOT the kind of environment that contributed to positive personal development and I knew that I needed to get my boys out of the chaos and into a more stable situation.  I know that many people will argue that it is better to stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids but I simply do not agree. I stayed with my ex for far too long because I was trying to do what was best for my boys. As it turns out however; my boys were being suffocated under the weight of the conflict and misery.

Now, I am happy to say that my boys are being raised and provided for by their step-dad and myself. They are thriving and have grown into incredible young men that I am so so proud to call my sons. They are currently nineteen and seventeen and when asked, they will tell you that getting out of my marriage to their father was the best decision that I made for myself and for them. They still have (limited) contact with their father and though they love him, they do not want to grow up to be like him. In fact, they regularly try to encourage their father to find work and a regular place to live. Their biggest concern is that they will end up having to support him before they are really even able to support themselves. I hope and pray that that won’t be the case and I’ll do my best to help protect them from that potential situation.

Despite these (and other) problems that were ever present in my first marriage, I don’t want it to sound like there were no good moments in the relationship because there were. I also don’t want it to sound like my ex husband had no positive redeeming qualities because he did. Unfortunately, the chasm between us simply became too wide and too deep to traverse. In spite of all the ugliness however; I do not regret my first marriage. Because of it, I have two beautiful and amazing sons who are the loves of my life and I have grown as a person in ways that I might never have been able to if I hadn’t gone through the difficulties associated with my first marriage. I also feel that the challenges of my first marriage have helped me to be a more authentic and therefore better wife to my current husband.

I love these words by R&B singer Erykah Badu

“I have advice for people–period–who are in unhealthy relationships: Follow your heart. It will get you to where you need to be. Sometimes it’s hard, sometimes it’s easy, the places that your heart takes you. But continue to follow it. Where the train leads you–you’ll get there.”

I know that by following my heart, I finally ended up in the right marriage to the right person at the right time.

Regardless of what some others thought at the time, I did not leave my toxic first marriage because I was too weak. Being weak is what kept me in the marriage far longer than I should have been. I also did not leave it because of a lack of love for my ex. I still loved him but I learned that I had to love myself enough to know what was healthy and essential for my own well being and that of my sons. I also knew in my heart of hearts that I did everything in my power to salvage the relationship (including countless hours of marriage and individual counseling.) It is because of these factors that I was able to leave and hold my head high as I did so.

The bottom line is that there is (unfortunately) no clear cut answer as to when/why it is appropriate to leave a marriage. There are those who preach that marriage is intended to last forever–no matter what–and those who treat marriage with no more regard than they do last week’s left over tuna sandwich, disposing of it at the first sign of any unpleasantness. I do not fall into either of those camps and I know that no two relationships are the same. For me, I discovered that clinging to my toxic marriage long after it was past the point of no return was preventing me from growing as a person and denying myself the right to be truly loved, happy and at peace. I wholeheartedly believe that if a relationship doesn’t help to make you a better person or challenge you to evolve into a happier and more loving individual, it is not worth holding on to. If a relationship continually makes you bitter rather than better, it is time to do some serious re-examining of priorities and to spend some time soul searching to discover what will truly allow you to live your most FabYOUlous life.

Do you know what to look for when it comes to picking the ideal romantic partner?  Do you know the qualities that are truly important when seeking to establish a lasting relationship?  

I’ll admit–I haven’t always been great at picking winners when it comes to love.  I’ve fallen for great looks/no brains, charming personality/no job, great job/self-absorbed…you get the picture.  It wasn’t until my first marriage fell apart that I finally took the time to look at the qualities that truly mattered to me in a partner.

In order to establish what qualities were absolute must-haves for me, I first had to get crystal clear on the qualities that I myself wanted to possess and then I had to think in terms of qualities that a partner could have to complement those qualities of my own.  I had to promise myself not to settle for something less than what I knew that I wanted and deserved…even if it meant being alone for a while.  I had to visualize my perfect partner in my mind before I knew if he even existed. I had to think about the kind of partnership that I wanted to be involved in and what my contribution to that partnership would be. All of this forethought wasn’t necessarily easy–but in retrospect, I can see that maintaining my standards and waiting for the right man to come along was DEFINITELY worth it.  

One thing that really helped me in this partner picking process was having a clear and defined list of qualities that were vitally important to me. These qualities were so important to me that I had decided that if any guy lacked even one of the qualities–he wasn’t the guy for me.  It might sound cut-throat or rigid, but I had already spent far too many miserable years with the wrong man so I was no longer willing to compromise on things that were important to me.  As it turned out–the list worked.  I found a man who is by no means perfect but who is absolutely perfect for me. 

If you are currently single but longing to find your FabYOUlous partner; consider making a list of your own and then set your intention to finding a partner who meets your criteria. Here are the twelve non-negotiable qualities that were on my list…use them if they apply but feel free to add qualities that are important to you.  Most importantly–DO NOT SETTLE. You are far too FabYOUlous to be with anyone less than what you want & deserve.

My Perfect Partner Must…

1.)  Accept the fact that my sons and I are absolutely a package deal.  My boys are my number one priority and I will only be with a man who can accept that fact.  I expect my perfect partner to support my role as a mother and to be willing to nurture a loving relationship with my sons.

2.)  Have chemistry with me and be nice. I want to feel sparks when we kiss and chemistry when we are together.  I want to feel a thrill when my man walks into the room.  I also expect common courtesy and genuine kindness.  Courtesy & kindness will go a long way in keeping the passion alive in our relationship.

3.)  Be compatible with me.  I know that the saying “opposites attract” may be true–but I’m looking for more than just attraction.  I want to be with someone with whom I share common interests.  I want a partner who will share my love of sports, travel, music and cultural activities. I don’t expect my partner to take up knitting or running (two things that I enjoy) but I do expect to be able to enjoy activities like baseball games and concerts together.

4.)  Allow me to be my own person.  I am DONE trying to be someone that I’m not just to appease someone else. My perfect partner must accept me for who I am and allow me to have my own thoughts, values and opinions–even if/when they differ from his.

5.)  Have a great sense of humor.  A relationship without laughter is NOT FabYOUlous. My perfect partner must have a fun sense of humor that isn’t mean or condescending.  I love a good joke and someone who can laugh easily.  I especially love someone who can laugh at himself.

6.)  Have similar morals and values.  Yes–we are individuals and have our own individualized belief systems but I want to be with a man whose values align closely with mine.  We don’t necessarily need to support the same political party or read the same kind of books but I do want to be with someone who has similar values when it comes to things like family, faith and finances.

7.)  Be humble enough to apologize when he’s wrong and gracious enough to accept an apology when I’m wrong.  There is nothing that is more emotionally exhausting than being with someone who must ALWAYS be right…even when they are 100% dead wrong.  We are human.  We make mistakes.  I will do my best to own up and take responsibility for my mistakes but I expect my partner to be willing to do the same.

8.)  Be absolutely faithful to me.  I will not tolerate a cheater. Ever. Period.

9.)  Understand that I have lofty goals and aspirations and be willing to support me as I strive to turn my dreams into reality.  I need a partner who is not intimidated or threatened by a strong, ambitious woman.  There are things that I want to accomplish in this lifetime and I fully intend to make them happen.  I want to be with a man who is capable of encouraging my dreams while also pursuing dreams of his own. I don’t want to feel like my man is in constant competition with me–instead, I want the two of us to be each other’s biggest cheerleaders as we turn our dreams into reality.

10.)  Share the load.  A partnership is just that…a partnership.  No one person should be expected to shoulder the burdens of a relationship alone.  I expect my partner to contribute financially, emotionally and physically to our relationship.  Whether it is dealing with the family budget or divvying up household chores, I expect my man to do his part.  I spent WAY too many years trying to keep things afloat while being drug under by someone who wasn’t willing to do his part to make the relationship successful.  That is NO way to live and I am not interested in that type of parasitic relationship again.  I expect my man to help me carry the load so that we can also share equally together in the rewards of our union.

11.)  Be willing to seek help if/when it is needed.  Relationships can be tough and sometimes even the most loving couples need a little help.  I want to be with a man who loves me and values our relationship enough to be willing to seek the outside guidance of a counselor if it becomes necessary.

12.)  Grow with the flow.  Life is unpredictable and sometimes s#*t just happens.  I want a partner who is flexible enough to bend without breaking and adaptable enough to adjust the sails when things get off course.  We are a team and together we can create a FabYOUlous life if we understand that relationships are a balance of give & take and that the synergy created through our relationship allows us to be stronger together than we would be as separate individuals.

If you think this list check list sounds rigid–you’re right; it is.  However; I believe with all of my heart that more women would be involved in more FabYOUlous relationships if they would decide ahead of time on the non-negotiable standards that they expect a partner to meet and stick to their guns rather than sacrificing their standards in order to avoid being alone.  Being single is NOT bad–being in an unhealthy relationship with the wrong person is.  Yes, my list might be rigid and my standards high but, I am okay with that because I know that I deserve a man who meets these criteria–and guess what…I found him.  I also know that there is nothing on this list that I myself, am not also willing to contribute to the relationship.

So…if you are still hoping to find the perfect partner to spend your life with; get out a pen and some paper and start listing the attributes that are important to you.  Once your list is complete, start picturing your partner in your mind and imagining your life together.  Your perfect partner might not arrive immediately, but I do believe with all of my heart that they will arrive when the time is right.  Give it a shot–you’ve got nothing to lose and a FabYOUlous relationship to gain!

When it comes to weddings, I’m pretty traditional. I prefer unity candles over the newly popular sand ceremonies and I have no issues with a woman taking her husband’s last name. I always get teary when the preacher finally says “you may kiss your bride” and I adore cute little flower girls and ring bearers. I also appreciate the simplicity and sincerity of the traditional wedding vows where husbands and wives promise to love each other for better or worse, through sickness and in health and for richer or for poorer. I do however feel that these vows lack a bit of practicality when it comes to actually living with and loving one person for the rest of your life. Though I recited these very traditional vows myself when I married my Superman, I now feel like they were somewhat insufficient and I have a few additions that I would now include…

I vow to love you just the way you are while encouraging you to grow into the person that you want to become

I fell in love with my husband just the way he was. We were together for over three years before tying the knot so I had plenty of time to figure out that he wasn’t perfect. Still, I loved him. I’d been married before to a man who couldn’t love me for the person that I was and instead constantly tried to change me into someone that I wasn’t. When I left that marriage, I swore that I would never be with anyone who couldn’t love me exactly the way I was and that I in turn, would reciprocate that same kind of love. My Superman doesn’t need to justify his love of WWE Wrestling to me nor does he need to worry about me leaving him when he freaks out over something that I think is no big deal (I know that this only happens on rare occasions and it is usually when he is already tired or overwhelmed by other matters).  I also appreciate the fact that while he is confident in who he currently is, my man also has goals and aspirations that he’d still like to achieve. These are goals that are important to him, not expectations that I have placed upon him. I want to be his biggest cheerleader as he pursues his goals and yet also want him to know that I love him absolutely and completely just the way he is. I love and appreciate the fact that he does the same for me.

I vow to be an equal partner to you and to share your burdens and your joys

I have no problem working hard and pulling my fair share of the weight in a relationship. I love that my husband is a hard worker too. Nothing can suck the life out of a relationship faster than one partner feeling that they are 100% responsible for keeping things afloat. Whether it is financially, socially or emotionally–relationships only work when both partners are committed to giving 100%. It simply isn’t fair to expect one person to carry the weight of the entire relationship for an extended period of time. Obviously there may be times (during an illness or a busy season at work) where greater responsibilities might shift temporarily onto one partner. However; I vow that my husband will never feel like he is going it alone when it comes to our relationship. I will pull my weight financially, around the house, in creating a fun and adventurous social life for us and when it comes to raising our children. I’ve experienced the stress and loneliness of trying to manage everything on my own. I appreciate the fact that my husband now shares the burdens of life with me and I promise to do the same for him. This also means that we can share equally in the joys that our relationship brings. We are a team and we both give 100% to ensure that we are a winning team.

I vow to shout your strengths from the rooftop but discuss your shortcomings in private

My husband is awesome. Just ask any of my friends–they’ll tell you. The reason they’ll tell you is because I tell them. I never want my husband to worry about what I’m saying about him behind his back. Instead, I always want him to feel like I have his back. I want to be not just respectful when speaking about my husband–I want to be downright effusive as I sing his praises. He is a good man. I am beyond blessed to have him and I want the world to know that I know that. This does not however mean that he is perfect. He is not. If there are issues that I have with my husband, I vow to take those up with only my husband and a counselor should the need arise. I will NOT go around bad mouthing my man. I will not poke fun at him if it is in any way hurtful to him. I will build him up in the presence of others and I will keep his vulnerabilities, insecurities and fears under lock and key. I vow that I will not become on of those wives who do nothing but complain about their husbands to anyone who will listen. He deserves far better than that.

I vow to love the people you love because you love them

When I married Superman, I lucked out because I also got a beautiful stepdaughter, amazing in-laws and a slew of great new friends. These people are all (thankfully) very easy to love. There are however; a few individuals that came along with the “package deal” that I find to be a little questionable.  I have decided that the best way to deal with these individuals is to simply love them because he loves them. Even if I find them to be strange or…well, let’s just leave it at strange…I respect the fact that my husband has a history with them and that he finds them (for whatever reason) to be endearing. Thankfully, I don’t have to live with these individuals on a daily basis, nor do I feel threatened or unsafe around them (that would be another issue all together); so…because I love my husband, I also choose to be loving to the people that are important to him. Besides…Lord knows that he does the same with a few of my friends.

I vow to allow you your freedom within the constructs of our union

No–this does not mean that my husband is free to hook up with another woman nor does it mean that he is free to treat me poorly. It does however mean that I understand the fact that though our lives are now forever intertwined; we are still individuals with individual thoughts, beliefs and interests.  I vow to support my husband’s right to have his own opinions–even if/when they differ from mine. I also know that my husband is a good and honorable man so I support his right to engage in activities (hello “Boys Night Out”) that do not involve me. I want my husband to feel like our marriage expands his world rather than restricts it. I do not want to be the old “ball and chain”. I want him to know that he is absolutely free to be himself…after all, that is the person that I fell in love with.

I vow to take the necessary measures to keep myself emotionally and physically strong so that you will never feel like it is your responsibility to “save” me or “complete” me

I know that the whole “you complete me” bit is a romantic notion, but I DO NOT believe that it is a healthy one. No one should ever be saddled with the burden of completing or saving someone else. I absolutely vow that I will never expect my husband to complete me. We are not placed on this earth to complete each other but instead to complement each other. I will do whatever I need to do to keep myself emotionally and physically healthy so that I can be the best wife possible. A needy wife is NOT a good wife. I believe that my husband and I are already fully complete in and of ourselves. There are no “holes” that I am looking for my husband to fill. Instead; we are both competent, strong and vibrant individuals who, when joined together, create a synergy and love that burns brighter than we are capable of producing on our own. By taking responsibility for my own emotional and physical health; I eliminate a potential burden that my husband would otherwise have to bear. Yes–if I’m sick, I’ll let him baby me (he does it well) and when I need to move something heavy, I will let him flex his muscles. Overall though, I vow not to need my husband because need is not love. Of course we will do nice things to help each other–that’s one of the great perks of marriage. However; allowing my husband to occasionally take care of me; is light years away from needing him to do so. One is a joyful service–the other is a suffocating oppression. If ever there does come a time when one of us truly does need the other to take care of the other (due to prolonged illness, disability etc.); I believe that we will have the strength and resiliency to do so because we have not been worn down by years of dealing with incessant and unnecessary neediness.

I vow not to set the DVR to record a chick flick over the top of the big game that you thought you were recording

What can I say…all relationships require a bit of sacrifice. Besides…The Notebook will likely be aired a thousand more times before the end of the month whereas the Broncos/Patriots game will not.  

These vows sure don’t sound as romantic or flowery as traditional wedding vows and yet, I think that they are good ones to make whether we actually state them out loud or not. How about you?  Did you write your own vows when you married or did you repeat the traditional vows? Are there any additional vows that you think should be added?  Vow today to put a little extra thought into your marriage. Even the tiniest bit of effort can help to make your union even more FabYOUlous.

Don’t forget to click the image below to snag your two FREE and FAB ebooks: “365 Questions to Help You Find Your Answers” and “50 FabYOUlous Ways to Energize Your Life”

French: Je t’aime (zhuh tem)

Spanish: Te amo (teh ah-moh)

Japanese: Watashi wa anata o aishite-imasu (wa ta shee wa a na ta o a ee shee tee ee ma su)

Italian: Ti amo (tee ah-moh)

Esperanto: Mi amas vin (mee ah-mahs veen)

Hawaiian: Aloha au ia ‘oe (ah low ha wow ee ah oh ay)

Russian: Ya lyublyu tebya (yah lyoo blyoo tee byah)

Swahili: Nakupenda (nah koo pen da)

As you practice your newly acquired multi-lingual skills, be sure to whisper your sweet nothings in your sweetie’s left ear.  Studies show that we process terms of endearment better in our left ear because it’s controlled by the “emotional” right brain.