Valentines Day is upon us which means that everywhere you look there are sappy images of lovey-dovey couples doing lovey-dovey things together.

While I’m a big fan of love, I don’t necessarily think that you have to be coupled up in order to live a rich and FabYOUlous life. In fact, I think that there is genuine value in learning to love your own company. I’ve written an entire post on the Joys of Masturdating that details the benefits of enjoying solo activities, but if you’re a little stumped for ideas, here is a fantastic list to get you started. Best of all–not only are these activities fun, they can also help to boost self-confidence and help you connect with your soul’s desires. Additionally, learning to value your own company can enhance your other relationships because having a solid, foundational relationship with oneself is the critical bedrock upon which all other relationships are built.

“ Having a solid, foundational relationship w/oneself is the bedrock upon which all other relationships are built. —MELISSA VENABLE

Solo Activities for Connecting with Your Soul’s Desires

• Grab your favorite book and head to a coffee shop for some uninterrupted reading.
• Take a cooking class to discover new types of cuisine.
• Visit a nearby town for a day. Explore new shops, eat at a new cafe etc.
• Learn to knit. Click here for a link to a fun slipper pattern (and a link to a simple how-to-knit tutorial for absolute beginners!)
• Binge watch a great Netflix series without feeling guilty for it.
• Volunteer your time at a local nonprofit. Might I suggest The American Red Cross?
• Start a garden. If outdoor space is limited, try creating your own indoor succulent garden. Click here for an easy tutorial.
• Learn something new by signing up for an online course through Udemy. There are literally thousands of courses to choose from–you’re sure to find something that appeals to you.
• Head to the make-up counter at your local mall and try a fresh, new look
• Head outdoors with a warm blanket and cup of hot cocoa for some nighttime star gazing.
• Create a new look in your home by rearranging the furniture and adding some fresh accent pieces.
• Learn a new language. There are plenty of online courses/apps that can help facilitate this.
• Visit your local library.
• Learn how to play an instrument.
• Do a jigsaw puzzle.
• Go on a solo travel expedition.
• Create a Vision Board. Click here for an explanation as to why and how.
• Explore a nearby hiking trail.
• Go to an afternoon showing of a movie you’ve been wanting to see. Be sure to buy yourself a large popcorn.
• Grab a handful of quarters and head to a local arcade.
• Take an art class. Don’t worry about being good.
• Learn how to design a website.
• Try paint-by-numbers.
• Try a fitness class that you wouldn’t normally attend.
• Try prepping all of your meals for a week.
• Treat yourself to a spa day.
• Hire a Life Coach to help you experience new levels of success and fulfillment. Click here for information on my coaching programs.
• Challenge yourself by taking a rock climbing class or signing up for an obstacle run like the Tough Mudder.
• Offer to babysit for an overwhelmed mom.
• Take $20 to a local thrift store and try to fashion a new outfit for yourself.
• Go for a bicycle ride around your neighborhood.
• Sign up for a weekend meditation retreat.
• Get a tattoo.
• Get up early to find a nice spot to watch the sun rise.
• Test drive your dream car.
• Attend a performance by your local symphony, ballet troupe or acting guild.
• Have some professional photos taken of yourself.
• Order in and enjoy a quiet night at home.
• Visit your local farmers market and create a healthy meal with your purchases.
• Make some new four-legged friends by volunteering your time at a local animal shelter.
• Indulge in a pampering bubble bath. Make it even more luxurious with scented candles and fragrant bath bombs.
• Visit a local museum.
• Start a DIY project.
• Give yourself a mini spa day with a do-it-yourself manicure, pedicure and facial.
• Expand your musical horizons by attending a musical performance (or purchasing a CD)  in a genre that you don’t usually listen to.

Start by picking five activities that sound fun to you and then begin to expand further outside of your comfort zone. Before long, you’ll discover that flying solo has real, tangible benefits that can’t be replicated when coupled up.

Okay–I know that it seems strange that I (a woman whose children are now in their early 20’s) am writing a post about how to keep children entertained during the summer. I realize that this is no longer an issue that I, personally, have to deal with, however; I still, to this day, have PTSD from the many summers of trying desperately to keep two busy little boys entertained during the long, hot days of summer vacation.

So, in an effort to help those of you who are still in the trenches; I’ve put together a list of some of the activities that my boys enjoyed back in the day, and have combined those suggestions with other ideas that I have found through research and by chatting with friends of mine who still have school aged kiddos. Hopefully this list will give you a few ideas that you haven’t tried yet, or spur your own creativity to come up with additional suggestions. I have to confess, some of these ideas sound super fun. I may want to try them…even without kids!

50 FabYOUlous Ways to Entertain Your Kiddos this Summer

1. Start a scrapbook–let your kids select the photos and decorate the pages with stickers, drawings etc.
2. Volunteer at an animal shelter–the critters will love the attention from your kiddos and vice versa.
3. Start a jigsaw puzzle that will take a while to complete–do it on a large piece of foam core board so that the puzzle can be moved out of the way when it isn’t being worked on
4. Plant a garden–your kids might just eat their veggies if they grew them themselves
5. Check out the kid’s workshops at Home Depot–visit their website to see what projects are being offered.
6. Roast marshmallows over a fire pit in the backyard–if your kids don’t spook easily, you can even throw in a ghost story or two.
7. Learn to tie-dye some groovy fashions–for a simple “how-to”, click here.
8. Have an alphabet scavenger hunt–your kiddos must find one item that begins with every letter of the alphabet.
9. Make a giant Twister game or Hopscotch in the backyard or driveway–if in the yard, use spray paint. If in the driveway, used colored sidewalk chalk.
10. Bake cookies to deliver to the neighbors–and watch your family become the most popular family on the block. If it’s too hot to bake, try some no-bake cookies.
11. Have a water balloon fight–outdoors…obviously.
12. Go stargazing–learn about a few constellations and then see if you can point them out in the night sky.
13. Visit a zoo or aquarium–make it an educational experience by learning about the animals you visit.
14. Visit a retirement home–and have your kiddos read stories to the residents.
15. Let kids paint each other with washable Tempera paint–and then wash it off by running through the sprinklers in the backyard.
16. Take your kids to a baseball game–bonus points if you teach them how to keep a scorecard.
17. Set up a tent in the backyard and go “camping”–this one was a fave with my boys when they were younger.
18. Make good use of nearby parks–we’d go to a park almost every day when my boys were little.
19. Take a hike–we live in beautiful Colorado where the hiking trails are endless, so this is another fave of ours–even now that my boys are older.
20. Join a summer reading club–click here for suggestions on where to find these clubs.
21. Join a Junior Ranger Program–many national and state parks have these fun and educational programs.
22. Have a garage sale–your kids can earn some spending money by getting rid of items they no longer want/use.
23. Make ice eggs–on the night before an especially warm day, fill balloons with water and then slip a small toy inside the balloon as well. Put the balloons in the freezer and then send the kids outside with their “eggs” the next day. When the eggs melt, the toys will be revealed. For extra fun–add food coloring to the water to make colored ice eggs.
24. Visit a local police or fire station–since most departments don’t have set visiting hours, be sure to call ahead to set up a time. For added fun, take some homemade treats to your local heroes.
25. Organize a neighborhood kick-ball tournament–a fun way to bring neighbors together for a little friendly competition.
26. Make some goop–create a mysterious matter that kids can shape into balls or let ooze from their fingers. Here’s how:
    * Pour one cup water into a large mixing bowl.
    * Add a few drops of food coloring (any color).
    * Slowly stir in two cups of cornstarch (use a spoon at first, but you may eventually find it’s easier with your hands).
27. Enroll in summer craft class–most Michael’s or Joann’s Fabrics stores have summer classes for kids.
28. Host a toy swap–invite your kid’s friends to bring over a few toys that they no longer play with and have a swap. Everyone leaves with a toy that’s “new” to them.
29. Make homemade ice cream–because let’s face it, homemade tastes best.
30. Make tin-can stilts–remember those? So much fun!
31. Craft some wind chimes–click here for instructions.
32. Make a fairy garden–it’s simple, click here to learn how.
33. Visit a farmer’s market–and bring home some fresh produce.
34. Play tourist in your own town–staycations truly can be a lot of fun if you view your hometown through tourist eyes.
35. Learn how to double dutch jumprope–or…start with a single rope if necessary.
36. Play a nighttime game of flashlight tag at a local park or backyard–while you’re at it, keep your eyes open for fireflies.
37. Build a birdhouse–or a bat house!
38. Go to a drive-in movie–Especially fun if you own a pick-up truck and lots of pillows and blankets.
39. Go fly a kite–I’m a grown up and I still love flying kites.
40. Host an ice cream sundae bar–heck, have ice cream sundaes for dinner just once.
41. Paint pet rocks–they require a lot less care and maintenance than a real pet.
42. Make popsicles–all you need is some fruit juice, dixie cups and popsicle sticks. Easy peasy.
43. Create a bicycle obstacle course–don’t forget the helmets!
44. Make root beer floats for your kids and the neighborhood kids–maybe for the neighborhood adults too.
45. Set up a lemonade stand–an oldie but a goodie.
46. Learn origami–for simple tutorials, click here.
47. Learn Pig Latin together–it’s like your own secret language.
48. Learn some simple magic tricks–and then put together a magic show. Here are some beginner tricks to get you started.
49. Go geocaching–lots of fun for older kiddos. Click here for an introduction.
50. Study insects with a magnifying glass–just be sure that the sun is not shining through the glass…the object here is to study the insects, not fry them.

Yes, having the kids home from school does require a bit more planning and preparation, but it also means more freedom and fun. Be sure to make time to enjoy your kids–they grow up SO fast, but happy summer memories will stay with them forever.

Time and energy. Two of the most valuable resources that each one of us is blessed with every day. Though it is difficult to put a price tag on these two commodities, I would have to say that their value is far greater than most realize because, it is the proper application of these two resources that allows us to create an abundance of other blessings (money, fulfillment, success, significance, etc.) in our lives.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I’ve been struggling a bit with feeling as though I am constantly running out of time and energy when it comes to the pursuit of my meaningful goals. This realization really hit home this past week when I found myself rushing off to yet another get-together that I didn’t really want to go to with someone that I didn’t really want to be around. Then, when I got home, I was wiped out and had no energy left to work on the big-picture goals that I have for my life. Now, please don’t misunderstand me–the event that I attended wasn’t anything bad and the person that I met there is a perfectly decent human being. It’s just that, as I look back now, I can see that the reason I attended was because I felt like it was something that I should do (even though I really didn’t want to), and how much more well served I would have been if I had spent that time either on my own, working on my goals or with people who truly inspired, empowered or encouraged me.

Unfortunately, this pattern of wasting my time and energy on things and people who don’t add genuine value to my life is one that I have allowed to take root, which means that it is going to be a challenge to overcome. The good news is, I’ve been in this position before and therefore, am able to more quickly recognize the symptoms of weak personal boundaries and know that I have no one but myself to blame for this predicament.

If you ever find yourself in a similar situation of battling a lack of energy or feeling as though you never have enough time for the activities that bring you joy; there’s a good chance that you too have allowed your personal boundaries to become weak, or, you haven’t set solid boundaries to begin with. While these things might not sound like boundary issues, they are. Each one of us only has a finite amount of time and energy. When we don’t set boundaries to protect that time and energy, we suffer from exhaustion, exasperation and unfulfillment. Some additional signs of weak personal boundaries include…

Not having rock-solid boundaries can have a devastating effect on our relationships and on our psyche, and yet despite this; establishing boundaries can be so difficult for so many of us. Why is this? Why do we have such a difficult time when it comes to protecting ourselves from time and energy vampires? For most of us, the difficulty lies in our desire to please others and not be perceived as selfish or worse–a b!tch.

I get it, I really do. I want people to like me too. However; in the big scheme of things, there is really only a handful of people whose opinions truly matter to me. This doesn’t mean that I am out to tick everyone else off–it simply means that I need to set boundaries as to how much time and energy I expend on projects and people who don’t encourage me to be better or help me to further my goals. The people who do do this for me are people that I will gladly commit time to. They are also the people for whom I will return the favor and invest in so as to elevate their pursuits.

So, it is time for me to get out the figurative bricks and mortar and start putting up some boundaries again. I don’t do this to be b!tchy. In fact, I fully intend to still be kind to everyone. I simply do this because I know that I am only going to be able to achieve the FabYOUlous life that I’ve envisioned for myself if I stop diffusing my time and energy and instead become focused like a laser on the things that are going to move me closer to my goal. There is a quote by Brene Brown that I just love that speaks to this,

“ Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others —BRENE BROWN

So, in a step of courage, and love for my self and my goals–here are the steps that I intend to take in order to fortify my boundaries and protect the limited amount of time and energy that I possess…

Building Boundaries without Being a B!tch (Unless of Course, You Have to)

1.) Determine exactly what things and relationships are truly worthy of an investment of time and energy. Until we know exactly what things are definite yeses in our life, we can’t know what things are nos.

2.) Understand why a boundary is necessary. Again, this isn’t about being b!tchy or a snob. It is simply a safeguard to prevent our time and energy from becoming so diluted that we have nothing left over to support our own emotional/physical health or our goals and ambitions.

3.) Clearly define the boundary. Setting clearly defined parameters around a boundary will help to eliminate any grey areas. I have found in my own experience, that it is better to define a more rigid and tight boundary that can later be relaxed if necessary, than it is to try to shore up a weak boundary that has been violated.

4.) Understand that there will be exceptions–but only if they meet certain criteria.  If, for example, you set a solid boundary around a two hour time frame that you are going focus on your goals, but your toddler comes running up to you with a gash on her forehead that clearly needs stitches, you will obviously need to prioritize your child’s emergency. These scenarios are bound to happen on occasion, but by taking step #1 and clearly determining who and what our true priorities in life are (I’m assuming your children fall into that category), it becomes easy to see what things/people we will occasionally relax our boundaries for. If, on the other hand, your obnoxious but friendly neighbor wants to drop by and chat about your other neighbors for two hours–you need to be willing to defend your time and stick to your determined boundary.

5.) Be kind but straightforward when establishing boundaries. I will never advocate for meanness, but I will advocate for firmness. It is entirely possible to be firm but polite when protecting your boundaries. Those people who truly want the best for you will understand and respect your boundaries–those who don’t respect your boundaries or who get offended by them, are simply strengthening your case for having boundaries in the first place.

6.) Don’t apologize for having boundaries. Having healthy boundaries is a good and healthy thing. Don’t feel compelled to apologize for taking care of the things that are top priorities in your life. The people who love and support you won’t need an apology and those who don’t, don’t deserve one.

7.) Enlist support. I am so blessed by the fact that my hubby is an excellent gatekeeper when I need him to be. He helps to run interference when necessary and act as an added layer of protection when I need him to. He knows how important my goals are to me and he does his part to help support my efforts. I am committed to doing the same for him when he needs it.

8.) Address boundary violations early and firmly. I’m a kind person, I really am. I am not however; a doormat. In my first (failed) marriage, my boundaries were routinely violated and as a result, I became incredibly resentful. I was also emotionally and physically exhausted from trying too hard to keep too many people happy. Now, when I feel as though my boundaries are being violated, I do my best to address the issue early on and to be kind but firm in my delivery. Again, the people who are truly on my team and in my inner circle, understand and do not take offense when I enforce a boundary. It is the ones who do not understand or who do take offense, that my boundaries are for in the first place.

9.) Keep it from becoming personal. My having boundaries has nothing to do with whether or not the people for whom my boundaries are created, are nice or good people. I’m sure that (for the most part) they are. My boundaries have nothing to do with them–they have everything to do with my own aspirations, priorities, needs and desires. Establishing boundaries is not an excuse to treat people poorly or to hold myself above others. It is simply a necessary mechanism that I must employ if I am ever to live the truly FabYOUlous life that I have envisioned for myself.

10.) Trust your gut. As I have grown as a person and in my career, I have become aligned with new and different people at different times. Most of the time, these relationships are mutually beneficial and edifying. Sometimes however; I’ll come across someone who seems genuinely nice and is very intent on getting close to me, but for some reason, my gut sounds an alarm. I’m not perfect at heeding the warnings that my intuition sends to me, but I’m getting better at it because I have learned some hard lessons in the past from times that I ignored that nudge. In time, people’s true motivations always reveal themselves, but if you sense a catch in your spirit about someone, keep your boundaries firmly in place unless/until such time as the person truly earns their way into your priority circle. I’m (slowly but surely) learning that my hunches are rarely wrong, and that those solid boundaries that I have erected, end up saving me a lot of wasted time and energy.

While boundary setting can feel a bit uncomfortable at first for those of us who tend to be “people pleasers” by nature; it is an absolutely vital component to our overall well being. If, after reading these suggestions, you still struggle with setting solid boundaries, you might want to check out the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This book made a pivotal difference in my life when I desperately needed it, and is one that I still refer to when I start to feel my boundaries crumble.

I love the quote that says “you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm”. I don’t know who originally said it, but it is so true. Burning with the fire of your passion is one thing–burning out by not maintaining solid boundaries is another. Make sure that you are burning for the right reasons and utilize your boundaries to help in that endeavor. 

“ You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm —UNKNOWN

Establishing solid boundaries in your life is a critical component to increasing the level of energy and FabYOUlousness in your life. For more suggestions on how to energize your life, click on the image below to receive the FREE ebook “50 FabYOUlous Ways to Energize Your Life”. As an added bonus, you’ll also receive the popular ebook “365 Questions to Help You Find Your Answers”. Both books are free and both books will help you to dramatically increase the level of FabYOUlousness in your life.

I don’t remember where I first heard the term “masturdate” but I absolutely love it. I love it because 1.) it’s a funny play on words that cracks me up and 2.) it is something that might seem a little strange and awkward at first, but eventually feels sooo good.

Oh come on—this site is rated PG (or PG-13 at the very least)…get your mind out of the gutter (wink!) 

Masturdating is essentially, the process of going out on dates with yourself so that you can learn to enjoy your own company.  The important aspect of this is that when I say dates, I mean dates, not errands. Running to the bank, grocery store and dry cleaners by yourself is not a date—going out for a nice dinner (with wine) and then seeing a movie that you’ve been looking forward to is.

At first, many people have a hard time dating themselves. They feel strange sitting alone in a crowded restaurant or buying a single ticket to a concert because they don’t want people feeling sorry for them and thinking that they can’t get a real date.  I only have one thing to say about this…GET OVER IT. Don’t let the initial feelings of awkwardness or worry over what other people are thinking of you (because newsflash—most people aren’t thinking of you) stop you from the joy and pleasure that is masturdating.

Just like in traditional dating scenarios when two people are learning about each other and trying to discover what makes the other person tick in the hopes of finding a love-match, masturdating does the same but on a solo level. Masturdating is all about spending time in your own company so that you can rediscover all of the things that you enjoy and love about yourself.

Not only is masturdating an eye-opening experience that helps us to reconnect with the activities that we enjoy, it also allows us the opportunity to experiment with new things without the worry of needing to please or impress another person. We are able to try new restaurants or experiences knowing full well that if we don’t like them, we can get up and walk out without anyone judging us. On the flip side, if we discover a quaint little bookstore that we love, we can spend as much time as we want wandering the aisles without worrying about anyone getting impatient with us. By going on a date with ourselves, we are taking full responsibility for our own happiness and enjoyment, and in doing so, sending a powerful message to our psyches that we matter and that our pleasure is important.

In addition to the pleasure factor, masturdating has other benefits of a more spiritual kind. When we invest time and energy into our own enjoyment and lovingly treat ourselves with kindness and respect, we attract more of those enjoyable and loving feelings to us. When we put forth the effort to “woo” ourselves and shower ourselves with attention, we demonstrate to the universe that we are worthy of adoration—to which the universe responds by bringing us more opportunities to feel cherished and adored. It’s a cycle that once you get on, you’ll never want to get off.

Often when I talk about masturdating, people will assume that this is something that is only meant for singles—not for people who are happily coupled up. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am happily married to the world’s greatest guy and still, I masturdate every chance I get. Sure—my honey and I go out on wonderful dates together and invest time in our relationship; but…going to yarn stores or quaint coffee shops just isn’t his jam, so I spare him the agony of these activities and happily pursue them on my own. I firmly believe that having a solid, foundational relationship with oneself is the critical bedrock upon which all other relationships are built.

“ Having a solid relationship w/oneself is the critical bedrock upon which all other relationships are built —MELISSA VENABLE

Only by valuing and loving ourselves are we able to truly value and love others. Plus–when we develop a strong sense of respect for ourselves, we will learn not to tolerate anyone who gives us less than we know that we deserve. Therefore, masturdating helps us to establish the boundaries and standards necessary for us to enjoy rewarding relationships with others.

Okay—now that I’ve convinced you of the value of masturdating, it’s time to go to it. Here are a few suggestions to get you started…

• Go see that movie that you’ve been wanting to see but haven’t been able to convince anyone else to go to. While you’re there, be sure to buy yourself a large popcorn and a box of Junior Mints—this is a date afterall.
• Pack a picnic basket (complete with a bottle of wine), grab a blanket and a good book and head to a park. Spend the afternoon nibbling, drinking, reading, resting and people watching. Give yourself bonus points if you leave your smartphone at home.
• Spend a day at the beach (or in the mountains, at a lake etc.) Get some sun and fresh air (and maybe a little exercise if you throw in a hike or swim)
• Take a class that interests you—pottery, website design, genealogy, photography…whatever flips your switch.
• Enjoy breakfast out of bed. Grab the crossword puzzle from the newspaper and head out to breakfast by yourself. Enjoy some pancakes and OJ with a side order of peace & quiet.

The opportunities for masturdating are only limited by your imagination. Basically, anything that you might normally do with another person is an opportunity to masturdate. Lose your inhibitions, do a little experimentation and allow yourself to experience all of the FabYOUlous pleasure that comes from masturdation, you’ll be so glad that you did.

I remember singing those words a hundred years ago when I was a young girl attending Girl Scout camp.

Okay–so maybe it wasn’t quite 100 years ago, but still…it was over three decades ago and the crazy thing is–some of the girls that I attended that camp with are still, to this day, dear friends of mine. In fact, I am blessed to be able to say that my first best friend (before we were even old enough to understand the concept of a best friend) is still my best friend to this day (I’m looking at you Mia!)

Friendship…I can’t imagine life without it. There is no better feeling than that of knowing that there are people in this world who love and accept you just the way you are. I for one would be absolutely lost without my precious “broad squad” and I give thanks for them every single day.

While I have been blessed to have some wonderful life-long friendships, there have also been times when I was faced with the prospect of having to make new friends. This happened when I went away to college and again when I left all of my family and friends behind to move to another state. Both of these experiences took some adjustment and forced me out of my comfort zone; however, both experiences resulted in additional friendships with more incredible women that I am blessed to have in my life.

If you are faced with a situation where you need to make new friends–or maybe you’re just looking to expand your current circle of friends, follow these 12 easy tips to make friends the easy way.

12 Easy Tips for Making Fab-YOU-lous Friends

1.) Talk to strangers. Yes–I know, mama always told you not to talk to strangers. Well…you’re no longer four years old so talking to strangers is perfectly acceptable and a great way to make a new friend. If you’re in line at the post office next to someone who looks fun–strike up a conversation. If you can’t think of anything to talk about–talk about how sloooow the line at the post office is. Who knows, maybe you’ll discover that you have kids the same age or that you both like to run. Even if you don’t discover anything to base a potential friendship on, you’ve at least killed some time in line at the post office.

2.) Take a class. It is always fun to learn new things in areas that interest us. I’ve taken classes on everything from knitting to web design to money management. The best things about these classes is that I always walk away with a lot more than just increased knowledge–I walk away with a new friend or two as well. When I register for a class, I automatically know that I will be meeting new people with whom I already share one common interest (the class subject matter). The next step is simply showing up for the class and being friendly and approachable. I’m always amazed at the way things just tend to work out–the universe just seems to have a way of bringing the right people into my orbit and from there we are able to make meaningful connections and cultivate developing friendships. I’m sure that the same will be true for you as well. If you need some ideas on where to look for interesting classes, here are a few suggestions to consider…

Williams-Sonoma:Your inner epicure will delight in Williams-Sonoma’s weekly one hour technique classes. You can find a schedule of their weekly classes on their website.

Bass Pro Shops, Cabela’s, REI: If you are interested in honing your outdoor adventure skills, these three stores offer a variety of classes on everything from   fly-fishing and archery to kayaking and camp cooking. Check your local store for class schedule.

Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft Stores, Michaels: Both of these stores offer a wide variety of in-store sewing, crafting, cake decorating, jewelry making etc. classes. Check with your local store to see what interesting classes are coming up.

Guitar Center: Try strumming a few bars in an in-store 60 minute guitar lesson for beginners.

Home Depot, Lowes: Whether you want to learn to build a birdhouse for your backyard or a backyard for your birdhouse–these two stores offer a variety of hands on DIY classes to help you build confidence in your handy-man, craftsman skills. Check with you local store for a full listing of upcoming classes and workshops.

Your local Cooperative Extension Service or Recreation Commission: From organic gardening to beginning tap dancing, your local Extension Office or Recreation Commission has a lot of wonderful classes to choose from.

3.) Attend a Conference. Just like taking a class will expose you to new people with similar interests, so will attending conferences. I attended my first ever blog conference back in February and am enjoying new friendships with several gals that I met while at the conference. Even though we all live in different states, we are able to use social media, email and good old fashioned phone calls to grow our friendships.

4.) Get Physical. Whether you truly enjoy working out or are just doing it because you know that you need to, there are plenty of other people in the same boat. Try joining a running group or signing up for a pilates class. While it might be tough to maintain any friendly chit-chat while you’re huffing and puffing (and grunting, crying, cursing etc.) there is always time to do a little friendly mingling before and after your workouts.  Another twist on this suggestion is to join a local team for a sport that you love. Several years ago, I joined a co-ed softball team called the Sons of Pitches (I’m not kidding–that’s really our name). When I joined, I didn’t know anyone on the team except for my husband. Now, several years later–the Sons of Pitches are some of my favorite people and I love spending time with them–on and off the field.

5.) Get a dog. Not only are dogs man’s best friend–their owners can be pretty cool too. If you are looking to meet some genuinely nice people, grab your pooch (or borrow your friend’s pooch) and head to the local dog park. Dog owners love their dogs and they love talking about their dogs. So whether your four legged friend is a Bullmastiff or a Pekapoo, as long as they are friendly towards other animals, grab a frisbee and head to the park for some fun and friend making.

6.) Have a kid. Okay–having a child might not be the best tactic if your goal is simply to make friends–there are lots of other less painful, cheaper and less exhausting ways to make friends. However; if you already have kids, they can be a great way to connect with other fun parents and form lasting friendships. My oldest son is nearly 20 years old, but when he was just a little guy (like three years old) I attended a playgroup where I met my friend Amy who also had a little boy. Amy and I bonded over all of the things that moms of boys would bond over (bugs, dirt, toy cars, dinosaurs, emergency room visits etc.) Our friendship continued to develop over the years as our sons entered school, played sports, got drivers licenses, went on dates etc. Now, Amy and I live in separate states and yet she is still one of my closest friends and our relationship is one that I will always cherish.

7.) Carpool to work. Not only is carpooling economical and good for the environment–it can also help you to make friends. I have a friend who used to drive an hour to Denver every day for work. She was getting fed up with the headache of battling traffic everyday and the expense of constantly filling her tank with gas so she joined a carpool service. By sharing a ride with others, my friend has now made two new close friends that she enjoys hanging out with beyond just their carpool time.

8.) Steal friends from friends. Okay–I know that this was a BIG no-no back in fourth grade but we’re all adults now right? Besides, I look at this more as sharing than stealing since everyone involved remains friends.  Here’s how it works–my friends are amazing people and as amazing people, they are connected to other amazing people. I have been blessed to meet many of my friends friends and thereby become friends with their friends myself. There’s no mean gossip or backstabbing going on–just new friendships being forged. We connect with others because our spirits are attracted to each other so it only makes sense that we would also be attracted to those whose spirits are are also attracted to those of our friends. Of course you’ll want to be careful to avoid leaving anyone out or causing hurt feelings, but there is no reason that you can’t also become friends with your friends friends.

9.) Volunteer. There are so many good causes out there that are in need of great volunteers. Find a cause that speaks to your heart and then commit to giving your time and talent to an organization that supports that cause. As you do so, you will meet other like-minded individuals who have the same passions as you. As the Executive Director for a nonprofit breast cancer support center, I have had the pleasure of watching some of our amazing volunteers form deep and lasting friendships with each other. They were drawn together by a mutual desire to make a positive difference, and through their commitment to a cause they have forged relationships built upon shared passions and a desire to serve.

10.) Connect with your Alumni Association. I live in a different state from where I attended college and yet, through my involvement with my college Alumni Association, I have been able to meet and form relationships with others in my area who graduated from my same university. It has been so fun to share stories of our days at good ol’ Fort Hays State University and I now have two friends that I didn’t know during our college days, but have become close to now as adults. I’ve experienced this same phenomenon with my sorority as well. Though my college sorority doesn’t have a local chapter where I live now, I’ve been able to connect with other Alpha Gamma Delta alumni members in my local area. We may not have attended college at the same school, but having a shared sorority sisterhood has helped us to forge fun and lasting friendships.

11.) Join a club. What are your hobbies? Do you like to sew, read, dance or cook? Chances are, if there is an activity that you enjoy–others enjoy it too and have likely started a club for it. What better way to make friends than to seek out others who share your same passions? If you don’t know of a club for your particular interest–start one! Run an ad in your local paper or on your community online message board announcing your club’s formation. You can also use the power of the internet to seek out clubs via interest websites such as Meetup.com

12.) Be a friend. Regardless of how many of these tips you use to make new friends, there is one tip that still supersedes them all–if you want a friend, be a friend.  No amount of dog buying, club joining, carpooling or volunteering will help you if you aren’t friendly. People are drawn to happy, generous, optimistic people with shared interests. If you exude those qualities and treat others with kindness and respect–you’ll find yourself surrounded with fun new friends in no time.

True friendship is a priceless gift. Value it and you’ll see it grow into a treasure more precious than any amount of gold or silver.

“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves”

Today, as I type this post I am feeling especially lovey dovey and nostalgic but I suppose that should be expected since today is my wedding anniversary. Superman and I have been married for four wonderful years today and I am feeling so blessed to have him to share my life with.

As I think back over the four years that we have been married and the seven years that we have been a couple, I can’t help but feel like I’ve hit some kind of cosmic lottery in the relationship realm. This is especially true considering the fact that my first marriage was so difficult and that because of my first marriage, I honestly wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to be married again.

When I think about my marriage now compared to my marriage then, It is easy for me to see why my relationship with my Superman is so so so different from my marriage to my first husband. Superman and I genuinely enjoy the time that we spend together. We have many shared interests and this means that not only do we love each other–we also really, really like each other.

There have been a lot of studies done to determine what exaclty makes some relationships successful while others fail. Do opposites truly attract or is it better to find someone with similar tastes and interests? Does the amount of time spent together matter or is it more important to focus on the quality of the time? Having experienced both the good and the bad when it comes to marriages, I have to say that I think the answer to all of these questions is a resounding YES.

Yes–opposites attract. When I met my Superman he was a Harley riding, guitar playing bad boy (even though in reality he was the most genuinely good man that I had ever met) and I, well…I liked to knit, read and snuggle my cat–not exactly the image of a wild child bad girl. Despite my nauseating good girlness, something about his wild side was incredibly appealing to me and apparently he found my knitting (???) to be endearing as well. Okay–maybe it was my cat? Regardless of what it was exactly, there was definitely something about him that drew me in and made me want to put down my needles and hop on the back of that Harley…so I did.

Despite those initial differences however; it didn’t take long for Superman and I to discover that we actually had a lot more in common than we originally suspected. Yes–we were opposites in a few ways but we also discovered that we both loved sports, going to rock concerts and being good parents to our kiddos. We also both enjoy movies, hanging out with friends and being physically active. While it might have been our apparent differences that originally attracted us to each other (I’m just sure that it was my knitting that drew him in) I believe with all of my heart that it is these shared interests and activities that keep us wanting to be together. Our mutual love of sports ensures that we always have a fun activity to look forward to (going to baseball games, playing softball on the same team, coaching a youth rec league team together etc.), our love of music has made for many wonderful concert date nights and our shared desire for physical activity has led to our evening bike rides together being one of the highlights of our day.

As a child, I was blessed to have grown up in a very close knit family. My mom and dad loved my brother and I and they loved each other. Additionally, I grew up with the tremendous blessing of having all four of my grandparents nearby and very involved in my upbringing. Despite some craziness during my teenage years (for which I will now and forever blame *Buddy Kittle–I’m pretty sure he won’t ever read this, so it’s safe to blame him–ha!) I grew up blissfully unaware of the difficult challenges that many families faced. Oh sure, I’m sure that mom and dad had their moments of wanting to strangle each other (as all married couples experience from time to time) and lord knows that they had plenty of moments of wanting to strangle me–but overall, we were a happy and for the most part functional family.

As a child and teenager, I took my nice, stable, loving family life for granted. As an adult however; I now have a much greater appreciation for the sacrifices and efforts that my parents made on a daily basis to ensure that my brother and I grew up in a secure and loving environment. A supportive family unit is so crucial to the emotional well being of every member of the family. If there is strife between members, every individual in that family suffers as a result.

If you are feeling as though your family isn’t as close as you’d like or maybe you’re just a little out of sync these days, keep the following points in mind to help strengthen that all important familial bond…

1.) Labels Hurt. Most of us can look at our own families and immediately identify that one family member who is always getting into trouble. For me, that family member is my brother. HA HA! Okay–I’m lying. I’ll confess that I was the family member who was more prone to pushing the limits, breaking the rules and getting into trouble (thanks a lot *Buddy Kittle!) While I like to think that I was just a bit more spirited and headstrong, I’m sure that the word “troublemaker” was on the tips of everyone’s tongues during my teenage years.

How about you? What labels have stuck with you? Are you “the quiet one” or maybe “the showoff”? Perhaps you were “the smart one” who then felt pressured to maintain a ridiculous GPA or “the pretty one” who fell into a depression whenever a rogue pimple appeared. Yes–over time, even seemingly positive labels can have a negative effect on our self esteem if the pressure to live up to the label becomes too burdensome.

Labeling our family members is dangerous because it prevents us from seeing and appreciating their full range of FabYOUlousness and instead confines them to predetermined boxes with a set list of expectations. It simply isn’t fair to ascribe a single faceted label to a brilliant, multi-faceted human being.

2.) Time is a Treasure. I know, I know…we all know that we need to turn off the television and spend more quality time with our family members, but how many of us actually do it? How many of us miss our son’s football games because we are too wrapped up in a project at work (I’m guilty of this one myself) or how many of us hear about our child’s first steps or first words from the nanny rather than experiencing them firsthand?

As a mom with a full time job, I get it. The pressure to be a good parent and successful professional is immense and exhausting. Still…making our family a priority and then working our schedules to reflect our priorities is a juggling skill that we must try to master. Maybe we can’t make it to every football game, but do we at least make the effort to personally connect with our child to hear first hand how the game went and how they felt about their individual performance? Maybe we missed our little one’s first steps but do we make every effort to ensure that we make a big deal out of her second and third steps?

The time that we spend together as a family doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive. A simple game of Uno or Jenga (or better yet–Jenga with a Twist) around the kitchen table can forge bonds that will last forever. It is important that we savor every moment that we can with our families because years have a way of slipping away in the blink of an eye. Before you know it, your sweet little four year old will be cruising Main Street on the back of *Buddy Kittle’s motorcycle while wearing a toga. Don’t let those years pass without forging plenty of happy memories and supportive bonds.

3.) Knowledge is Power. How well do you really know your family members? Can you name your teenage son’s favorite band or the position he plays in football? Do you know if the fella your daughter is dating is any relation to *Buddy Kittle? Do you know what book your spouse is currently reading? We live with our family members and think about them numerous times throughout the day but how well do we really know them? Make the effort now to really start listening to your family members and paying attention to their interests, hopes, fears and aspirations. I cannot imagine anything sadder than having a family full of strangers; so whether you eat dinner together three times a week or spend a lot of time driving your kids around to activities, use that time together as a chance to learn more about the things that are important in their worlds–you might be surprised at some of the interesting things you learn.

4.) Have FUN. When was the last time you and your family had a genuinely good time doing something fun together? If you have to stop and think about the answer to this question, it has been TOO LONG. Grab a frisbee, head to a water park, work on a jigsaw puzzle…just do something together with your family that is FUN. It is so easy to slip into a soul sucking routine of waking up, dashing off to work/school, coming home, eating take-out, doing homework, vegging in front of the TV, going to bed and waking up to do it all over again…day after day after day. Is it any wonder that our family life is suffering from a lack of connection and enthusiasm? Try breaking out of this dull, hamster-wheel of an existence by infusing your family time with a little fun. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive (though we are big proponents of family vacations), just something to get everyone laughing and relaxing together. These simple moments of shared enjoyment will be moments that form your family’s most cherished memories.

With a little concentrated effort and a dash of creativity, your family life can go from drab to FAB and every member will benefit tremendously from the added attention and affection. For more ideas on how to add more FabYOUlousness to your family life click here.

*Disclaimer–just in case Buddy Kittle does ever read this, I feel like I should point out that even though I got into more trouble as a result of Buddy’s high school hijinx, I also had more FUN with him than any person should be allowed to have. I guess it’s all just a matter of perspective.

Please don’t call the authorities…I really do love my teenagers (with all of my heart!) and would never ever want any harm to come to them.  My boys are the absolute joys of my life and are by far my proudest accomplishment.  They are however, teens and with that comes a whole new set of rules for an entirely different ballgame.

As a mom to two teenage sons, of course there are times when I get nostalgic and miss the days when I could just scoop up my babies and smother them with kisses while they giggled and wriggled in my arms.  I get a lump in my throat every time I browse through their baby pics and see their pudgy little baby bellies and cherubic toddler grins.  I miss the days when I, as their mama, was the center of their universe and they delighted in my love and affection.

Those days are gone.  My boys are now far more men than boys.  They tower over me so much that I’d be intimidated by their size–if I wasn’t 100% convinced that they’d both absolutely use their size to shield and protect me if ever it was necessary.  Their universe is expanding so no longer am I the center of it but instead, I’m more like the earth to them–solid, steady and grounding. Yes–I sometimes ache for the days when I could pull them into my lap and make them laugh with silly knock knock jokes and yet I must confess…there are few things in this world that feel better than having one of my BIG boys wrap me up in a bear hug or yell “love ya mom” as they dash out the door to catch up with their friends.  They are growing into adulthood and though my role as their mama has certainly changed over the years, it is no less important now than it was when they were my babies.

It’s hard though, this job of parenting teens.  No longer can I just give them “the look” and have it work as discipline nor can I bribe them into good behavior with the promise of an ice cream cone (well okay–in all honesty, that one still works sometimes.)  They have now become experts in the art of debate and it can be exasperating.  They find ways every day to push the limits and test the boundaries.  They screw up in ways that make me shake my head and wonder how on earth I could’ve given birth to such ridiculousness…but then they succeed…and oh–when they succeed my heart utterly soars with pride and love.

No, parenting teenagers is definitely not for the faint of heart.  There are battles, rolling eyes, silent treatments and frustration.  There is also however, an abundance of heartfelt laughter, good late night conversation and a deepening sense of respect and appreciation.  I’m no expert at parenting (not by a long shot) but by some miracle, my boys are turning into strong, capable and (most importantly in my book) kind young men.  I’ve done a lot of reading from parenting experts (if there truly even is such a thing) and have discovered a few tips for parenting teens that I have found to be especially helpful.  If you yourself are in the trenches and dealing with the ups and downs of raising teenagers, I hope that this information offers you some hope and encouragement.

Tips for Raising Teens without Losing Your Mind

1.)  LOVE them:  One of the most important things that you can do for your teenager is to LOVE them and give them positive attention and affection. Maybe they don’t fit on your lap anymore but they DO fit in your arms.  Hug them, high-five them, kiss them. They may be big but they are still your child and they thrive on parental love and attention. Don’t skimp on this just because they are bigger–affection is something we never outgrow.

2.)  Don’t freak out if your teen isn’t just like you were when you were a teen:  It’s so hard not to place expectations upon our children based upon our own experiences of life.  If we were a jock in high school it might be difficult for us to understand why our child wants to join the marching band instead of going out for football.  If we were class president, it might be challenging for us to relate to our child who prefers more solitary activities like reading or drawing. The teenage years however are geared to help our children become their own individuals with their own unique thoughts, preferences, beliefs and desires. It is important that we as parents, step back and let our children discover their own identities (there’s even a technical term for this–individuation) without imposing too many of our own expectations upon them. Yes, have high standards when it comes to grades, behavior, etc. but allow your teen the freedom to experiment with new activities, hobbies, tastes etc.  They might just discover a new passion that leads them to an incredibly fulfilling and FabYOUlous future.

3.)  Make expectations crystal clear:  As a mom to two teens, I’ve learned that if there is any wiggle room in a rule–that rule will get wiggled to death. I learned this when I told my youngest that he needed to be home by a set curfew time. The curfew time came and went without any sign of my boy.  I called his cell phone which was of course dead and started to panic.  Forty-five minutes later he came sauntering into the house and was shocked that I was so angry because he had (by his definition) been home the entire time. What I had failed to explain was that I considered home to be HOME–as in inside the house. He however interpreted home to mean anywhere on our premises; therefore he was technically home when he was hanging out in front of our house in his buddy’s car.  This miscommunication could have been avoided had I done a better job of clearly spelling out my expectations.

Here are some suggestions from parenting experts at the Mayo Clinic to help avoid any confusion when laying out your expectations to your teen: Avoid Ultimatums (teens often interpret ultimatums as challenges), Be Clear and Concise (Keep your rules short and to the point–this allows for less misinterpretation), Put Rules in Writing (this will help to do away with moments of “selective memory” on the part of your teen), Explain if Necessary (your teen might be more likely to comply with a rule if he/she understands the reasoning behind it), Be Reasonable (avoid setting rules that your teen can’t possibly follow–a chronically messy teen might struggle to immediately maintain a spotless bedroom), Be Flexible (as your teen demonstrates more responsibility and reliability, grant him/her more freedom.  If your teen exhibits poor judgement, impose more restrictions).

 4.)  Balance freedom with guidance:  Micromanaging your teen’s choices will only reinforce to him/her that you don’t trust him/her to make good decisions independently.  It can be a fine line to walk when learning to balance the right amount of freedom while still providing plenty of guidance, but it can be done. Make sure that you provide your teen with plenty of opportunities to practice the skills and discernment that you’ve taught him/her but also let him/her experience the natural consequences when he/she messes up.  Over time, your teen will develop increased confidence in his/her ability to make wise and healthy choices.

5.) Discipline from a place of love–not anger:  As a parent to teens it is bound to happen–they are going to do something that flat-out makes you MAD.  When you are angry however; it is not the right time to make decisions regarding discipline because over reacting and lashing out at your teen can cause resentment and stonewalling.  Instead; it is important to skip the drama and take some time to settle down before dishing out the discipline.  Once both parties are calmer, it is important to give a full explanation as to why the behavior was unacceptable and what the consequences will be.  Be sure to reprimand the behavior not the person and do so without using sarcasm or being condescending.  It is also important that you not discipline your child in front of their friends.  When imposing restrictions on your teen, consider taking away a privilege or possession that’s meaningful to him/her (cellphone, car, computer time etc.) You might even ask your teen to suggest a consequence–with the understanding that you get the final say. Whatever disciplinary tactic you decide upon, it is imperative that you maintain consistency and that you relate the consequences to the broken rule and deliver them in a timely fashion.

6.) Model the kind of behavior that you want your teen to exhibit:  It goes without saying that teens learn more from what their parents do than what they say.  It will be difficult for a teen to take seriously a parent’s rules about not smoking when the parent has a pack-a-day habit.  On the flip-side, your teen will learn a great deal about confidence if he/she sees you facing new situations with courage and confidence while demonstrating the importance of self acceptance.  As a parent, you are your teen’s primary role model.  Be sure that you take that role seriously and live your life in such a way that it demonstrates strength of character to your teen.

7.)  ENJOY them: Yes, teens can be challenging but they can also be so much FUN.  I know that it is important to remember that we, as parents, are not our teen’s friends–however; I must confess that I truly do enjoy the time that I get to spend hanging out with my boys. No, I don’t go with them to parties nor do I tag along when they are on dates with their girlfriends (though in both instances I do wait up for them to get home).  I do however go out to eat with my boys and enjoy other fun activities like going to movies and concerts with them. In fact, just last summer my husband and I went to Motley Crue’s final tour with my oldest son and one of his buddies and we had a BLAST.  My boys and I are also planning to do a hike up Horsetooth Rock (a natural landmark here in northern Colorado) now that the weather is warming up.  These times spent with my sons not only provide me with wonderful opportunities to catch up on the important things that are going on in their lives–they are also just plain fun.  Now that my boys are older, their personalities, intellects and senses of humor are more developed and I truly enjoy our conversations. They might deny it–but I know that they enjoy our time together too.  So no…my boys and I are not friends–I am still their mom and therefore their chief disciplinarian–but we are becoming more and more friendly which is laying a great foundation for a continued solid relationship in the future.

Teens will always march to the beat of their own drums and test boundaries–that’s what they’re supposed to do and that’s how they gain the skills and confidence to become healthy, successful adults. By balancing discipline and guidance with lots of love, patience and HUMOR, parents can make the most of their child’s teen years and ensure a FabYOUlously rewarding relationship.

You’re so gorgeous/hot/sexy

We all want to feel desired.  Make sure that your sweetie knows that he’s still got what it takes to get your motor running.

I miss you

Even if you just saw him this morning and will see him again when you get home from work, a few simple texts or voicemails during the day to let him know that he’s on your mind will never go unappreciated.  Mix it up by sending photos or jokes that will make him smile.

Please/Thank you

No one likes to be taken for granted and yet sometimes we use more common courtesy with strangers than we do our loved ones.  Make sure your sweetie always knows that he’s appreciated.

Do you remember that time we…?

You and your honey have logged lots of wonderful memories of your time together.  Show him that those moments still hold a special place in your heart by bringing them up.  Take this a step further by dragging out the photo album or old ticket stubs for a jog down memory lane.

How was your day?

This might not sound all that romantic, but when asked with genuine interest it will show your guy that you are genuinely interested in what he has going on in his life.  Of course, this one only works if you follow it up by sincerely listening and responding to what he tells you.

I’m sorry/You’re right

Okay, I’ll admit…this one can be TOUGH.  Sometimes we just don’t want to admit that we are wrong (even when we are absolutely, dead dog wrong).  Still…being willing to admit our faults (we all have them) and apologize when we’ve screwed up (we all do) shows our partner that we care enough about them and the relationship to eat crow and make amends when necessary.

What do you think?

Our partners have thoughts and opinions just like we do.  Asking them to share those thoughts and opinions with us shows that we value what they have to say.

Let’s Meet in the Middle

No matter how much we love our honeys, there are going to be times that we just do not agree with them.  Rather than stonewalling or bullying our way to a resolution, show your partner that you care more about the relationship than the issue at hand by being the first to offer up a workable compromise.  This will show your partner that you are willing to take the high road to work things out because you love and cherish their happiness as much as your own.

How can I help you?

Sometimes we all just need a helping hand.  Whether your man is overextended at work and just needs somone else to mow the friggin’ yard or he’s working through emotional issues with his extended family and needs a sounding board to bounce thoughts off of–our genuine willingness to help bear some of his burden will speak volumes as to our love and level of commitment to him.  We might not be able to fix every issue or right every wrong, but we can show him that we are on his side by being willing to do whatever we can to lend support.

I love you

Sometimes nothing says it better than those three little words.  Make sure they are the last words your sweetie hears before he drifts off to sleep at night or before he leaves the house in the morning. Make the words stick by adding a kiss.

I am a planner by nature. I have several months of FabYOUlous Life posts planned in advance because I like to have plenty of time to do my research and gather my thoughts.  

This post is not one of those planned posts. In fact, I had pretty much planned to not write this post…like ever.

However; I was recently contacted by one of my FabYOUlous readers and I simply cannot ignore the question that she asked me and frankly, even though this post wasn’t planned–it is one for which I have done plenty of research…we’re talking years of research.

My sweet reader had read my About Me page and wanted to know how I knew that it was time for me to leave my first marriage. Her question wasn’t cloaked in any judgement or condescension–in fact, I could sense the genuine struggle in her email as she told me that her own marriage has been on rocky ground for a while now but she just can’t decide whether or not she should stay or leave.

I so appreciate her willingness to reach out to me and I want to give the most honest and thoughtful answer that I possibly can–she deserves that. I also however need to stress the fact that I am NOT a marriage counselor–the answers that I give do not come out of any particular counseling modality or school of thought. These are simply the thoughts and decisions that guided me through the most difficult time of my life and that have led me to a life that is now far more FabYOUlous than I (at that time) could ever have imagined. I hope that my insights on this subject are helpful but I also want to make it very clear that the choice to leave or remain in a marriage is one that can only be made by the individuals in that particular marriage. Each marriage is unique and must be approached as such. I love the institution of marriage and I would never want a marriage to fail. Sadly though–I do believe that there are times when relationships are so toxic that walking away is the only healthy option.   

So…for what it’s worth–here are my honest (though admittedly not very organized) reasons for leaving my toxic marriage and why I absolutely believe that it was the right decision.

1.)  I was not allowed to be myself. My ex-husband was only happy with me when I was wearing a mask that prevented the real me from being seen . Things were fine in my marriage as long as I was thinking the way my ex wanted me to think, behaving the way my ex wanted me to behave, dressing the way my ex wanted me to dress, listening to the music that my ex wanted me to listen to, participating in activities that my ex wanted me to participate in…you get the picture.  The problem was–so much of the person that my ex wanted me to be WAS NOT the person that I truly was. I had spent so many years (over a decade) trying desperately to fit into the mold that my ex expected me to fit into that I lost touch with my true essence. The person that my ex wanted me to be DID NOT exist–she was just a facade who was too scared to let her true personality reveal itself because of the repercussions that she knew she’d face.

To be fair though…I have to take a lot of the blame for this situation. When I met and fell in love with my first husband I was young…like, a baby.  I was only 22 when we married and I had no clue who I truly was. I was in the process of learning who I was and who I wanted to become but that process got thwarted when I met my ex. He was handsome and charming and because he was several years older than me he seemed so much more sophisticated than the boys I had previously dated. Suddenly I became far more interested in attracting him than I was in discovering myself. That’s when the problem started. Rather than becoming more of the person that I truly was, I got busy trying to become the woman that he wanted me to be. Sadly–those two women had very little in common with each other and the only way that one could exist was if the other ceased to exist.

The thing is though…you can only bury your true essence for so long before something cracks. For me, that crack came in the form of a dangerous eating disorder that I used as a coping mechanism for dealing with the total lack of control that I had in my life. Ironically, it was this very eating disorder that eventually ended up saving me. The therapy that I received as a part of my treatment protocol helped me to recognize the fact that I needed to learn to embrace my true identity and live my truth regardless of whether or not anyone liked or accepted it. I needed to find my voice again and have the courage to use it. Well…the more I began to find my strength and sense of personal identity, the worse things got in my marriage. My ex was no longer able to call the shots and this INFURIATED him. He wasn’t sure how to deal with a woman who didn’t always agree with him, who had preferences that differed from his and who had opinions of her own. I was belittled, spit on, pushed around, threatened and in a few instances, knocked around enough that I ended up with a bloody nose or lip. That’s when I knew that I had to get out.

I now (after a lot more therapy) understand that my ex’s need for control was born out of his own insecurities and this makes me extremely sad for him. However; I could no longer be the one responsible for keeping him happy (at the expense of my own emotional well being) nor could I force him to address issues that he didn’t want to admit existed.

As painful and humbling as my “crack” was, it was essential for my recovery. Additionally, as a result of it, I have come to discover that the real me is a lot of fun and a genuinely good person.  I’m certainly not perfect (far from it) but I do have a lot to offer and thankfully, by being my absolute, genuine self, I’ve attracted a man who loves me just the way I am. No more facades, no more manipulation or control–just genuine, mutual love and respect.

2.)  My ex’s opinions were the only ones that mattered. I loved baseball but he thought it was boring. He liked KARAOKE and car shows–two things that I generally thought were boring. In the years that we were married I can’t even begin to tell you how many car shows I attended or how many nights I went to listen to him sing KARAOKE. I can however tell you exactly how many baseball games we went to…it’s a nice, round number…round as in ZERO. This might seem like a silly reason to leave a marriage and I’d probably agree with that if it were only confined to baseball and car shows. Unfortunately, this disregard for my interests and opinions spanned far beyond past time pursuits. If I didn’t agree with him on a political issue, I was an “idiot”, if I listened to music that he didn’t think was appropriate he’d smash my CD (for the record–the offending CD was Away from the Sun by Three Doors Down–hardly devil worship music but whatever…)  The point is, everything in the marriage had to be about him. This led to so much resentment on my part that I’d find myself lashing out and doing silly things (like buying another Three Doors Down CD and blasting it when I was by myself in the car or sneaking off to listen to a baseball game on the radio) just to spite him.  Seriously though–if you have to sneak off to listen to baseball so as not to offend someone, that should be a big clue that there’s a problem. I mean c’mon…it’s baseball.  

3.)  There was no partnership in our marriage. I grew up in a family with a dad who worked long, hard days in all kinds of weather to support his family. Because of my dad’s example, I too am a hard worker. I have no problems with working hard and pulling my own weight in a relationship. My ex and I had two young sons together and I was absolutely committed to providing a comfortable upbringing for them. I wasn’t concerned with being rich, but I was absolutely committed to making sure that my boys always had a roof over their heads, comfortable beds in which to rest, food in their tummies, clothes on their backs and the ability to participate in activities like sports, clubs etc. if they wanted to. I shopped at thrift stores a lot and clipped coupons like a mad woman but I did whatever I had to do (including work 40+ hours a week) to make sure that my boys were provided for. My ex however didn’t have the same convictions that I did when it came to providing for the family. I can’t even count the number of times that he bounced from job to job–always because his supervisor was “unreasonable” or a “dictator”. I once tried to kindly point out that the only common denominator between all of his “terrible” jobs was him but that did not go over well–he was not the problem, everyone else was…as always.

This inability to take responsibility is still a part of my ex’s make-up. He doesn’t pay a penny of child support despite the fact that our sons are with me full time, he still spends more time not working than working and he hasn’t had a stable residence since the day we separated (at one time he was living in his car.) I think this unwillingness to shoulder his responsibilities is the biggest contributing factor to the demise of our marriage. Once I finally became strong enough to voice my opinions and call him on his lack of contribution, things went downhill FAST.  I became resentful that the full burden of providing for our family was falling upon my shoulders and I lost respect for him for that. I certainly understand that there are times in every marriage when the weight of responsibility might fall more heavily upon one partner from time to time. Overall though, I couldn’t continue to be in a relationship that wasn’t a true partnership.

4.)  I knew the kinds of men that I wanted my sons to grow up to be and I needed to set an example for them. As the mom of two boys, it is SO important to me that they grow up to be men who respect women, contribute to society in a positive way, love their families, shoulder their responsibilities and do whatever FabYOUlous things they were created to do. The volatile environment that my ex and I had created was sadly NOT the kind of environment that contributed to positive personal development and I knew that I needed to get my boys out of the chaos and into a more stable situation.  I know that many people will argue that it is better to stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids but I simply do not agree. I stayed with my ex for far too long because I was trying to do what was best for my boys. As it turns out however; my boys were being suffocated under the weight of the conflict and misery.

Now, I am happy to say that my boys are being raised and provided for by their step-dad and myself. They are thriving and have grown into incredible young men that I am so so proud to call my sons. They are currently nineteen and seventeen and when asked, they will tell you that getting out of my marriage to their father was the best decision that I made for myself and for them. They still have (limited) contact with their father and though they love him, they do not want to grow up to be like him. In fact, they regularly try to encourage their father to find work and a regular place to live. Their biggest concern is that they will end up having to support him before they are really even able to support themselves. I hope and pray that that won’t be the case and I’ll do my best to help protect them from that potential situation.

Despite these (and other) problems that were ever present in my first marriage, I don’t want it to sound like there were no good moments in the relationship because there were. I also don’t want it to sound like my ex husband had no positive redeeming qualities because he did. Unfortunately, the chasm between us simply became too wide and too deep to traverse. In spite of all the ugliness however; I do not regret my first marriage. Because of it, I have two beautiful and amazing sons who are the loves of my life and I have grown as a person in ways that I might never have been able to if I hadn’t gone through the difficulties associated with my first marriage. I also feel that the challenges of my first marriage have helped me to be a more authentic and therefore better wife to my current husband.

I love these words by R&B singer Erykah Badu

“I have advice for people–period–who are in unhealthy relationships: Follow your heart. It will get you to where you need to be. Sometimes it’s hard, sometimes it’s easy, the places that your heart takes you. But continue to follow it. Where the train leads you–you’ll get there.”

I know that by following my heart, I finally ended up in the right marriage to the right person at the right time.

Regardless of what some others thought at the time, I did not leave my toxic first marriage because I was too weak. Being weak is what kept me in the marriage far longer than I should have been. I also did not leave it because of a lack of love for my ex. I still loved him but I learned that I had to love myself enough to know what was healthy and essential for my own well being and that of my sons. I also knew in my heart of hearts that I did everything in my power to salvage the relationship (including countless hours of marriage and individual counseling.) It is because of these factors that I was able to leave and hold my head high as I did so.

The bottom line is that there is (unfortunately) no clear cut answer as to when/why it is appropriate to leave a marriage. There are those who preach that marriage is intended to last forever–no matter what–and those who treat marriage with no more regard than they do last week’s left over tuna sandwich, disposing of it at the first sign of any unpleasantness. I do not fall into either of those camps and I know that no two relationships are the same. For me, I discovered that clinging to my toxic marriage long after it was past the point of no return was preventing me from growing as a person and denying myself the right to be truly loved, happy and at peace. I wholeheartedly believe that if a relationship doesn’t help to make you a better person or challenge you to evolve into a happier and more loving individual, it is not worth holding on to. If a relationship continually makes you bitter rather than better, it is time to do some serious re-examining of priorities and to spend some time soul searching to discover what will truly allow you to live your most FabYOUlous life.